Featured

Benedict Cumberbatch Describing Sex With Sherlock Will Get You All Hot And Bothered

October 9, 2018

Have you ever imagined having sex with Benedict Cumberbatch‘s version of Sherlock Holmes? Actually don’t answer that — I know we all have, and I don’t want you to lie to me. Just say the words ‘yes a thousand times yes’ aloud, and then come along with me as Benedict describes what sex with Sherlock would be like. This is not a drill.

It’s basically as if our dear old Bennybatch got on the internet, saw that people were, um, curious about what sex with him would be like, and then decided to fulfill each and every one of our fantasies for ever and ever by talking us through it one spine-tingling moment at a time. Or maybe something other than your spine is tingling. I don’t know. The only thought that’s consistent in my brain now that I’ve read and re-read this interview that he gave to Elle UK about sex with Sherlock is…’I think I need to lie down’.

“You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand. I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.”

Hi sorry to vanish like that, my stomach just dropped out of my body for a moment. Somewhere between the words ‘girth’ and ‘strength’, I think I may have blacked out.

“I would probably watch a lot of porn…I might have to shave, um, areas to fit in with a modern idea of bodily hair.”

Okay sure, hint taken, you have hair down there I dig. BUT THERE’S MORE.

“And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my — his, I should say — his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.”

The word ‘devastating’, you guys. Devastating. I can’t even begin to address the rest of it, because everything from the pronoun confusion to the fact that BENEDICT IS FULL-ON CYBERING WITH US has me in a bit of a tizzy.

“I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…But when I did it would be explosive.”

Honestly just sitting here staring at that last sentence. Don’t even know how to address it. Will probably just sit here perfectly still until I faint and topple over, at which point I’ll be relying on one of you (or John Watson????) to fetch me my smelling salts.